Surviving on Beer Alone: A Champion’s Guide

We are all brothers and sisters, but we are all so different at the same time that it’s hard to even wrap one’s mind around it. Can you at least think of the food preferences variety? Some people believe that the energy from the sun is the only “food” the need. Scientifically speaking, they’re called breatharians. A typical programmer can survive a day on computer radiation. “On one sandwich and two compliments, a woman can hold out all day”, once said the wise and the svelte Francoise Sagan.

Untrained people who decided to become “beer eaters” can kick the bucket in a couple of days because of dehydration and alcohol intoxication. Beer is both splendid and dreadful. Just imagine this: it appears that everything’s under control as beer contains water, yet it also has a super diuretic effect. There goes the beer equation: the more beer you drink, the sooner you will part with that extra beer liquid. We then add the alcohol poisoning to all this mess and subtract your liver. Wait! Don’t feel sad just yet. Trustworthy doctors (but we’re not sure about that) openly state that people with a long drinking record can easily get by on brewski only for the whole week because their body is used to knockout doses of alcohol. If the beer eaters try to alternate beer with water, their chances of living will increase exponentially. Twelfth-century Belgian monks used to fast by drinking unfiltered dark beer. True liquid bread as it is. Such monastic beer types are ultra-high-calorie. If you’re a newbie beer eater, take a closer look at the unfiltered dark beer. If you must go down, go down in flames. Just kidding. Live long and prosper.

And here’s the frothy foam on top of beer…mmm…I mean the cherry on top. Get your beer and snack chips along with a change of clothes. We are about to teach you how to drink beer like a boss.

Step 1: Find that aluminum baby (we’re talking about beer cans) and run like hell into the hallway.
Step 2: Find the sharpest key and punch a hole in the side of the can. If there’s no key around, use any solid and slightly sharp object such as a pen, a nail or an unneeded finger, but please be careful.
Step 3: Remember what you learned during your emergency training or try to recall the way you practiced kissing on tomatoes… In short, you need to stop the beer bleeding as soon as possible and place your mouth over the “beerding” wound.
Step 4: Pull the tab with one of your hands to open the top just like an average person would (the faceless crowd, y’know), and the beer will quickly drain straight to your mouth. Yummy yum!
Step 5: Enjoy catching the admiring eyes of the people around you. Congratulations! You’re brilliant!