Encouraging snitches is a bad, bad thing. But if you call it voluntary informing, it changes things because it’s for the good. We will teach you how to make your employees “useful.”
- For a start, dine together. We acquired one trick from our primate ancestors that works like an instinct. Sharing meals increases trust on a subconscious level. Grooming (the search for parasites in the wool) also helped the primates to get closer. But it is better not to touch or brush your informant’s hair – that can be easily misunderstood.
- Our natural instincts can help provoke the informant to exchange information again. Even the most cynical people experience slight discomfort when they do not give anything in return. Tell your subordinate some pseudo-secret information even if it’ll be something like, “Psst, I want to replace white sticky notes with colorful ones.” Sprinkled with the sauce of secrecy, it’ll sound impressive. Your employee will suffer until he/she leaks you some secret information about office life in return.
- Be on an equal footing. A tough boss can be an avid henpecked husband at home, while a humble project manager can be the head of the BDSM community. You need to use this to align with your employee, so look for common interests or hobbies. This way, your informant will feel comfortable with a person who is at a higher level in the hierarchy, but nevertheless will ask your advice on how to pickle cucumbers.
- Suppose you’re both sick and tired of your purchasing manager. Firing him is your common benefit, so find one for you. You’ll feel good because the manager will vacate the parking space and stop shaming everyone at corporate parties. Your subordinate will feel good, too, because no one will buy crappy stuff anymore and talk carelessly about little things. This will become the key topic for you to discuss and make plans about in your secret lair.
- From time to time, remind the informant that no one loves snitches (you mean in the companies in general because personally, you adore him/her like hell). This way, your informant will not leak information to anybody else. Of course, even under pain of death, you will never tell anyone that your informant likes to blurt things out. But anyway he/she still has to be careful and to find out something else for you… because your informant in on the hook!
