3 Crucial Lessons You Need to Learn Before Christmas Holidays

by Martin Scotch

They won’t tell you about these rules at school, nor at the university. They should have, though, as these are the three pillars that your reputation and success of the celebration stand on.

Lesson 1: How Not to Drink at Parties So That No One Would Notice and to at Least Remember What Happened at That Party

  • Never go visit someone with a big bag or package and don’t leave your outerwear within sight of other participants of the booze – this won’t let you slip away from the party unnoticed.

  • Take a seat at the table before everybody else does and pour some sparkling mineral water into your glass beforehand. Choose either a glass with cut patterns or a non-transparent one. This way, it will be difficult to see the exact fluid level.

  • Hang out with quiet people. They will humbly look at the plate and are unlikely to tell anyone that when pouring gin, you “forgot” to pour some yourself.

  • Make it about yourself right away. Be the one who gets everybody drunk: refill everyone’s glasses, make toasts. Be the life of that alcoholic mess.

  • Be that person who screams the loudest, “Why doesn’t this guy drink anything?” so it would never occur to anyone that you are stone-cold sober.

  • Don’t wait for the end of the banquet, leave without notice.
    It doesn’t matter how the party ended. It is unlikely that other participants will remember something in the morning, so it’s your chance to impose your version of the event on them precisely in the morning.

Lesson 2: How to Pretend You're Sober

Problem 1: Slurred Speech

Speak quietly and don’t use a lot of words. Long and loud speeches will sell you down the river. And forget about being funny – any attempt to make a long joke while being drunk is bound to fail.

Problem 2: The Smell of Alcohol

Only Orbit for kids (peppermint chewing gum, on the contrary, will make the smell worse) or bay leaves can mask this terrible smell. Take a bay leaf from your soup or aspic, dry it, chew it, and then spit this nasty thing out. If you place validol under your tongue, you will smell like an old man, however, like a sober one.

Problem 3: Lack of Body Coordination

To stop feeling stormy while walking, first of all, walk slowly; secondly, focus on a particular point somewhere in front of you (e.g., a picture on the wall) and do not take your eyes off of it until you’ve reached your goal.

Problem 4: Bloodshot Eyes

Use eye drops and a well-known old-fashioned way to help ease your condition: put cold, wet teabags on your eyes and remove them in 5-7 minutes.

Lesson 3: They Will Not Tell You This at Chemistry Lessons (They Should Have, Though). The Most Dangerous Alcoholic Combinations

Wine + Beer

Beer and wine are selfish and individualistic. They do not tolerate competition, which means mixing them is condemning yourself to that classic hangover that makes you regret that you didn’t die the day before.

Red Wine + An Empty Stomach

Tannins, which red wine is infested with, severely irritate the lining of the stomach. If you have a sensitive stomach, you will get a twisting stomach ache even before the evening ends. If your stomach is not that weak, the payback will come the next day: the traditional hangover will be focused on the gastrointestinal theme, which means nausea, vomiting, and bloating. The moral of this story is that you should eat!

Beer + Cigarettes + An Empty Stomach

This combination can cause the devil in the form of tomorrow’s hangover starting today. By the end of the evening, you will have a headache and diarrhea. What do you do? An hour before the drinking-bout, eat some high-calorie food. Your diet is soaked in foamy liquid gold (which is beer) anyway.

Beer + Vodka

Vodka without beer is throwing your money away. If you want to achieve a fast and severe intoxication and don’t want to think about tomorrow – that is an option for you. If you think about your tomorrow, though, drink vodka with juice and forget about the brewski.